I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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