I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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