from now on my penis is your penis
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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