I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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