dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
did you just send me my own nude
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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