i just wanna soil my oats bro
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
