Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
