I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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