She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
