I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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