dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
