dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just google imaged poop.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
