Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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