I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
