and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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