i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
