You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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