You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
