I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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