why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
