Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
