I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
