Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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