Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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