my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
