i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
