He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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