i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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