My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
