Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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