and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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