i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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