I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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