Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
