Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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