I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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