I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
