We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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