If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
