We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
