Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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