This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
please don't ironically join a cult
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