I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
