I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
