I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Are my feet made of real feet?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
