"it" just moved
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
