The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
