In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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