she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
