if i can run in heels then i can drive
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
